For 14 Years I Hid My Depression. This Is What I Know Now.
The truth is I don’t remember the day when I officially became depressed.
I do remember how many times I avoided going up to the weather decks cause I was scared I would lose control and throw myself into the Pacific.
There were many of those days.
Days when I knew something was wrong, but pushing forward, ignoring all the signs seemed to be working fine.
Heck, if the thoughts got really bad, I knew I could go talk to the Chaplain (back then the best option unless you wanted to lose your security clearance and get sent to Deck department).
Talk about unsatisfying though, most days I’d be good for about 3o minutes.
then the internal struggle would begin again.
I did this for the better part of 14 years.
It wasn’t until I finally had a near suicidal breakdown got diagnosed and spent seven months in treatment that I realized how lucky I was.
The funny thing is most people wanna know how I kept it together through the countless inspections, tests, and endless trainings?
How did I walk such a stringent line for so long without anyone noticing things were so off with me?
The truth is, this was one of depression’s “bullets” in the months before my break.
It said…
-They are all just ignoring you.
-They know, they can see.
-They just don’t care.
These day I understand this is just an example of depression.
But at the time I kinda agreed, cause I mean how could people not see my state, right? Honestly, how could someone walking by in a crowded passageway not notice the 6'2" dude hugged up against the wall (bulkhead) trying not to be noticed?
It’s incredible. But what’s really incredible is that people want to know how I managed not why I didn’t take the swirling feelings, thoughts, blue periods,
lost interest, etc, seriously.
The truth is this is why I wrote Crack the Depression Code-hoping to get others to see their situation in mine, and take themselves and the quality of their life seriously.
Maybe I thought, it would help one person stop the madness of ignoring and pretending to be ok? Right?
I wanna help. Reach out to talk with me by clicking this link.
